So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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