Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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