I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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