Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's rum buckets o'clock
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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