I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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