So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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