so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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