And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
