Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
