I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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