i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
