Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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