Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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