Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
