my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
