Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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