The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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