Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize