I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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