Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
