Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
