You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
