her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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