i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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