How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
