Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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