If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
