Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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