Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
