Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
