You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
