Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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