I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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