I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
