im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
