So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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