You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
