So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
