so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
