I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
