It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
