CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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