Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
