Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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