I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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