Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
