If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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