You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
why do cheetos always look like penises
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I AM VODKA MAN
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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