I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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