My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
