Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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