I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
