You're a womanizer and a bitch.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize