One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
