Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
