Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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