We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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