i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
