I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
