how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
