Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
