You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
