guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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