I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
