She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
