currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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