Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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