Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
