Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
