I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
