The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
